Nauseous with stress

I sent an email reaching out to my sister in law. I really didn't want to, I feel like God is telling me it's time. This is the person that I kicked out of my house in a fury of pain and hurt and anger. It was bad. I hate that I lost control, that I let myself get to that point.

I'm kinda ticked at God for putting this on me, I'm still in pain from what happened, she doesn't even realize what she did to use me and cause hurt. And I know that it doesn't matter. I am called to show her the love and forgiveness that Christ shows me. I am to love her despite everything.

I'm stomping my feet right now! I want to hide away in my little shell away from pain and hurt and people. I am broken beyond human repair, I don't want to deal with it anymore! I am not capable of being who/what people need me to be. But I do know I have to so what God says, that dude is im control of EVERYTHING!!!!

So I sent the email. I apologized, she responded and it wasn't with all hate. I don't know what's going to come out of this, but I will continue to obey The Lord even when it stresses me out.

So if that wasn't enough for today my mother in law showed up outta the blue, hardly ever see or talk to her, lets just say I didn't need it today! Of course she wanted to talk about the above situation, not that she talks to her daughter, I just wasn't willing! Luckily she is easy to redirect!

As if those things weren't enough my girls have to go to their dads today. K is not ok with it, she doesn't want to go anymore, they don't get along despite me trying to help the situation. So she calls him which turns into a giant fight between this 11y/o child and 39y/o man! With them both yelling at each other! Really!?!? Oh and the best part is him telling her if shr doesn't then I am going to go to jail! Yep, threatening her mother helps the situation. Sigh.... We are waiting for him to show up in our meeting spot, not sure if she's even going to get out of the car....

I am literally sick with stress. I don't know what your plan is Lord but please give me the strength to follow you regardless of stressors.

Again.... This is posted from a phone in a car, not re-reading....forgive me...

Throw away person

I feel like that should be a song title, or poem, or book. I think it would make a better song than a feeling cause as a feeling it sucks!

When I don't/can't give what someone wants then I become throw away it feels. Some people I should have known it would happen just based on past experience, that whole when someone shows you who they are believe them. Ok, that's not a hard and fast rule, but anyway....

So tonight the fall out was my mother. I think she wants me to apologize to her husband as I left him a nasty message when he verbally attacked my brother. I admit I was mean, I cursed, I said things out of anger, I was so mad I was shaking. Thing is, I'm not sorry, I don't think talking to my brother like that was ok. I am willing to move on.

So my mother told my brother he needed to "fix it" cause it was his fault?!?! So finally after 3 weeks and her talking to everyone but me I called her. I asked what she wanted J to do, what she wanted from me, I got an "I don't know" and a bunch of defending of her husband an how everything he said was taken out of context. J was all wrong and I attacked an innocent man, in their heads I am sure that is the way it is. Anyway, it did not go well, and ended with her saying "just keep being the bitch you are" and then she hung up.

Um ok. What makes me the maddest is I asked what she wanted from me and when I couldn't give what she herself didn't know what it was she resorted to name calling and hanging up.

Then to say to keep being a bitch, as in I already am, cause that's what I am I guess. That's what you call people who give all the time, who put others above themselves, who take your grand kids for a total of 2 1/2 years when they went in the system and you wouldn't take them.

I don't know what to do, yet again I'm in tears, yet again I see how I rate. I lost my temper, I did, I said things I didn't mean. I am willing to own that, even to them, I never got a chance. Do I let it go? She isn't ever going to be the mother I wish I had, I accepted that. Am I ready to be done? Maybe I have no choice, I am so very tired of trying to be more than human. I am a sinner, I get pissed, I make mistakes. Thank you God for your grace as I screw up day after day.

I'm so tired of being a throw away person to those I thought cared about me. Yes I have Hubba, and my kiddos and I am so blessed by them, but I still feel so lonely in this big world. I need Gods peace and patience to keep my mouth shut and arms open as His will is done.

I think I need to step away from the situation before I make it worse, my verbal diarrhea is on overdrive lately. Emotionally I am in such a horrible spot and I absolutely hate it!

Warning: this was typed/posted from my phone while in bed with a raging headache and 2 year old jumping on me occasionally, I am not taking the time to proofread, forgive me...

Boo! It's almost Halloween! I LOVE Halloween!! Kaitlyn and Abby are going to be witches and Carys is going to be their little black cat!!

Wow, haven't been updating this at all, not that it matters as I have no followers.....someday when I actually have time for this i'll add links in some places, for now it's all for my own ramblings.

Life is still crazy, however on a positive note my neice and nephew will be going back to their moms after living with me for a year....it'll be great to get my house back to normal.

Carys is 10 months old and crawlin like crazy now! Kaitlyn and Abby adore her and are so good with her, though Abby can be a bit rough. I love love love being a girl mom!

I'm getting jealous of all these cool blogs!

I've been persuing the decorating blogs lately, i'm so wanting to make my house somewhere I want to live! My carpet is wrecked my furniture is dog chewed and I just feel like "we can't have nuttin' nice around here!"

So this is the year....ok and maybe some of next! I'm getting new carpet and furniture.....as soon as I am debt free and have an emergency fund!!

Hello Dave Ramsey....yep were still gazelleing it...though the cheettah caught us for the last few months.

Now that birthdays and Christmas are over it's time to re-focus, I am making a house improvement sinking fund though...I have to for my own sanitity.

As for the cool blogs...i'm leaving that to those awesome non-losers right now....someday....i'll be a non-loser too!

One of these days..

Ok so one of these days I might actually write in this blog and not just take up my bit of cyber space!

One of these days I will be a stay at home mom and maybe then I can find a second to do some writing....maybe during nap time.

One of these days i'll find time for "me" things.

In the mean time....here are some more pics of the most adorable girls in the world.....

adorable and getting so big

I make cute kids!

Ok so I brag a bit and should probably learn to be more humble when it comes to how cute my kids are, but I just can't, I mean look at them........

Carys is now a month old....I can't believe how fast time goes! I'll have to go back to work soon and I am so dreading it! I can't wait to be a SAHM.....sigh.....someday.

Anyway Carys is doing great! The kids are all out of school now so it's a crazy household with my 3 and my neice and nephew.....lots of drama! They are all doing good with Carys, Kaitlyn is a great helper as I knew she would. Abby is even doing a lot, when she doesn't have her own agenda anyway, but that's Abby, she does just what she wants and that's it, strong willed girl! I am loving having my 3 girls. I'm even already planning the next baby, granted not anytime soon, I want Carys to get to be the baby for a couple years! I love being a mom so much, it helps having a wonderfully supportive husband who even lets me sleep in some mornings!

Stress is high right now....but life is good.....

Just had a baby, stop taking my pic!
My 3 girls! Yes Carys is sick of getting her pic taken!
Daddy getting to hold Carys for the first time ever!

Carys May Halvorsen

Carys is here! She was born May 17th at 9:40am, she was 8lbs 3 oz and 22 inches. She had some issues and had to spend a week in NICU, talk about some stressful times! That was so miserable, she didn't get to eat for the first 2 days, Scott didn't get to hold her until late Monday night (she was born on a saturday) She is home now and all is well. She's doing great, even nursing well considering her week away from me! The girls adore her. It has been tough with my neice and nephew here too....5 kids is a lot! The extra 2 have some issues that are hard to deal with, but overall we are all well

Carys did decide to come on the one day we didn't want her to! It was Kaitlyn and Abby's dance recital day, so I took them to dress rehearsal on Friday with no clue labor was pending, but missed the recital. At my Friday docs appt. I had no progress and they had set an induction date, however he did stip my membranes.... I went into labor around 4am or so, woke up with contractions, the whole thing lasted just over 5 1/2 hours, not too bad.

So my sweet little newest princess is sleeping next to me on the couch right now, she's looking just like her daddy, more and more every day. She also seems to have his personality thank goodness, she only cries when she's hungry.

We are very blessed and thankful everything turned out ok.....

less than 3 weeks

So we have less than 3 weeks until our due date! On one hand i'm ready and on the other sooooo not. My sister got her kids taken away so now I have them, so on top of being 9 months pregnant and having my own rug rats I now have a 7 y/o with ADHD and a 15 month old who's very clingy! I've had to switch the 7 y/o to school here even. The last 2 days i've been on my own with them as Scott had to work 15 hours yesterday and has been outside mowing and such most of today!

On a positive note I am off work now. We had an ultrasound 2 days ago, the baby was 7lbs 9oz give or take a pound! Already bigger than Abby was at birth and she was a week late. If Carys comes early maybe it won't be so bad. So the doc gave me a note for sit down only jobs, which work doesn't have for me, so i'm off. I certainly can't rest at home with all these kids but at least it's nice to not have to be on my feet all day or up and down stairs like at work and at home I can pee when I need too!

So we'll see what happens in the near future....i'm so anxious on so many levels for everything. We only have a few more things to get for Carys, though we do have the basics.

still a big baby!

So i'm in pain lately, lots of pelvic and nerve issues with the baby being so big. She's way down low and pressing on my nerves which is making my legs hurt and get numb and tingly sometimes, though i've been assured its all normal, especially since it's my third so my ligaments are all stretched out allowing the baby to be way low. She's nice and healthy and that's what matters.
The baby's room is almost done, it'll be nice to have everything ready for her to come home. Her walls are light green with a darker green stripe on the bottom and chair rail will go in the middle. I had the girls decorate curtains for her room, i'll have to post some pics soon.

Yikes!

So we went to the doc. today for my 28wk appt. All is well until he measures me, i'm measuring at 33wks! So now we go back on monday to have an ultrasound to see how big Carys is. I'm excited to get to see her again, though not thrilled at the thought of having a huge baby! The doc said this baby would be more like my first, Kaitlyn was 8lbs 6oz, Abby was 7lbs 7oz. He also assured me that I would probably tear again....but then said even if she's 9lbs I should still be able to push her out in like 20 mins....gotta love the male docs! A women would know not to talk about pushing out a huge baby that tears you open! Oh well....guess I'll know more in a few days!

Tickers!

Too cute had to share....

girls, girls, girls

So baby #3 is a girl! So i'll still be in my element when this baby comes! I know how to be a momma to girls! So we're thinking Carys for the name, but we'll see if we come up with anything we like better.....

Happy New Year!

2008, the year I become a mother of 3, I can't believe I have so many kids!?!?! The only thing i've ever always wanted to do was be a mom so i'm exicited and thrilled I am, but wow, 3 totally out numbers us! We go Monday for the ultrasound, 3 more days and I know if it's gonna be 3 girls or if Scotts gonna get someone on his side! Everyone predicts a boy, i'm sure it's just because we have 2 girls already, Scott and I don't care either way. I'm kinda thinking boy, but probably just because everyone has been putting the idea in my head. Either way i'm excited to find out! I can't wait to tell the girls one way or the other either, they're gonna be so happy! Speaking of our girls....how cute are they?!?

Motivation

Ok so I actualy read some Dave Ramsey books over a year ago, but now with baby #3 on the way and really wanting a different life style i'm totally ready to jump on board. I've joined on at Daveramsey.com and have been reading the message boards, very motivating. I'd going to try go get the hubby to join me at Financial Pease University, I found a church in our area that is doing the program, it's on Sunday afternoons and they even offer childcare, perfect. I think Scott and I realy need to be on board together, plus we'll need each others support to stay strong and not break down with the "i want it's". I'm feeling really good about making a huge dent in our debt. I'll think i'll maybe be able to lose some of the bitterness from the ex when i'm not still paying for stuff he stuck me with, and that would benefit the girls. I'm really excited about this new chapter in life. I was looking through an old notebook from when I first read DR's book, Total Money Makeover, I wasn't even following it, and I've paid off almost $10,000 in debt since Sept. 2006. We are in a different position then I was then but even with all the changes I think we'll do great....

Sigh....

The holiday rush is over, I feel that same let down I always do after Christmas....not that anything was bad it's just with all the build up it goes so quick. On a positive note I'm still off work and that's a good thing....it'd be better if I never went back but that'll be a while. We're really focusing on making good financial decisions so my being a SAHM can become possible. I have taken over our money because I am much more strict and decisive in that area. We are also following Dave Ramsey's principles, though not to a T yet.
We took the girls to see The Chipmunk Movie this afternoon, too cute. I love to do things with them like that, it's a nice rare treat for all of us.

Popping out!

So this little one is really starting to show...this week my belly has really begun to pop.....well mostly it's just chunk but since i've been wearing maternity clothes (can't fit into much else) you can really tell what it is. Talk about some rude ass people about it too....said out of love of course....uh huh! So one lady at work says how she shoulda saved me some cookies, well another lady pipes up, Steph don't need any cookies, she's getting big enough! I was gonna take her hout right there in the break rooom. Ok so it was funny and I do really like this lady, I know she meant my tummy and being preggo that is supposed to happen, but still. Today I was talking to this guy who didn't know I was pregnant, it came up in conversation and I leaned back in my chair so he could see my tummy ( he made a comment about me always wearing a jacket and being covered) and he was like "damn!" Ahhhh they sure know how to make a girl feel good! That's ok cause my little bean is dancing around in there and I love to feel him/her move! I'll take the belly along with it all.