Throw away person

I feel like that should be a song title, or poem, or book. I think it would make a better song than a feeling cause as a feeling it sucks!

When I don't/can't give what someone wants then I become throw away it feels. Some people I should have known it would happen just based on past experience, that whole when someone shows you who they are believe them. Ok, that's not a hard and fast rule, but anyway....

So tonight the fall out was my mother. I think she wants me to apologize to her husband as I left him a nasty message when he verbally attacked my brother. I admit I was mean, I cursed, I said things out of anger, I was so mad I was shaking. Thing is, I'm not sorry, I don't think talking to my brother like that was ok. I am willing to move on.

So my mother told my brother he needed to "fix it" cause it was his fault?!?! So finally after 3 weeks and her talking to everyone but me I called her. I asked what she wanted J to do, what she wanted from me, I got an "I don't know" and a bunch of defending of her husband an how everything he said was taken out of context. J was all wrong and I attacked an innocent man, in their heads I am sure that is the way it is. Anyway, it did not go well, and ended with her saying "just keep being the bitch you are" and then she hung up.

Um ok. What makes me the maddest is I asked what she wanted from me and when I couldn't give what she herself didn't know what it was she resorted to name calling and hanging up.

Then to say to keep being a bitch, as in I already am, cause that's what I am I guess. That's what you call people who give all the time, who put others above themselves, who take your grand kids for a total of 2 1/2 years when they went in the system and you wouldn't take them.

I don't know what to do, yet again I'm in tears, yet again I see how I rate. I lost my temper, I did, I said things I didn't mean. I am willing to own that, even to them, I never got a chance. Do I let it go? She isn't ever going to be the mother I wish I had, I accepted that. Am I ready to be done? Maybe I have no choice, I am so very tired of trying to be more than human. I am a sinner, I get pissed, I make mistakes. Thank you God for your grace as I screw up day after day.

I'm so tired of being a throw away person to those I thought cared about me. Yes I have Hubba, and my kiddos and I am so blessed by them, but I still feel so lonely in this big world. I need Gods peace and patience to keep my mouth shut and arms open as His will is done.

I think I need to step away from the situation before I make it worse, my verbal diarrhea is on overdrive lately. Emotionally I am in such a horrible spot and I absolutely hate it!

Warning: this was typed/posted from my phone while in bed with a raging headache and 2 year old jumping on me occasionally, I am not taking the time to proofread, forgive me...