Nauseous with stress

I sent an email reaching out to my sister in law. I really didn't want to, I feel like God is telling me it's time. This is the person that I kicked out of my house in a fury of pain and hurt and anger. It was bad. I hate that I lost control, that I let myself get to that point.

I'm kinda ticked at God for putting this on me, I'm still in pain from what happened, she doesn't even realize what she did to use me and cause hurt. And I know that it doesn't matter. I am called to show her the love and forgiveness that Christ shows me. I am to love her despite everything.

I'm stomping my feet right now! I want to hide away in my little shell away from pain and hurt and people. I am broken beyond human repair, I don't want to deal with it anymore! I am not capable of being who/what people need me to be. But I do know I have to so what God says, that dude is im control of EVERYTHING!!!!

So I sent the email. I apologized, she responded and it wasn't with all hate. I don't know what's going to come out of this, but I will continue to obey The Lord even when it stresses me out.

So if that wasn't enough for today my mother in law showed up outta the blue, hardly ever see or talk to her, lets just say I didn't need it today! Of course she wanted to talk about the above situation, not that she talks to her daughter, I just wasn't willing! Luckily she is easy to redirect!

As if those things weren't enough my girls have to go to their dads today. K is not ok with it, she doesn't want to go anymore, they don't get along despite me trying to help the situation. So she calls him which turns into a giant fight between this 11y/o child and 39y/o man! With them both yelling at each other! Really!?!? Oh and the best part is him telling her if shr doesn't then I am going to go to jail! Yep, threatening her mother helps the situation. Sigh.... We are waiting for him to show up in our meeting spot, not sure if she's even going to get out of the car....

I am literally sick with stress. I don't know what your plan is Lord but please give me the strength to follow you regardless of stressors.

Again.... This is posted from a phone in a car, not re-reading....forgive me...

Throw away person

I feel like that should be a song title, or poem, or book. I think it would make a better song than a feeling cause as a feeling it sucks!

When I don't/can't give what someone wants then I become throw away it feels. Some people I should have known it would happen just based on past experience, that whole when someone shows you who they are believe them. Ok, that's not a hard and fast rule, but anyway....

So tonight the fall out was my mother. I think she wants me to apologize to her husband as I left him a nasty message when he verbally attacked my brother. I admit I was mean, I cursed, I said things out of anger, I was so mad I was shaking. Thing is, I'm not sorry, I don't think talking to my brother like that was ok. I am willing to move on.

So my mother told my brother he needed to "fix it" cause it was his fault?!?! So finally after 3 weeks and her talking to everyone but me I called her. I asked what she wanted J to do, what she wanted from me, I got an "I don't know" and a bunch of defending of her husband an how everything he said was taken out of context. J was all wrong and I attacked an innocent man, in their heads I am sure that is the way it is. Anyway, it did not go well, and ended with her saying "just keep being the bitch you are" and then she hung up.

Um ok. What makes me the maddest is I asked what she wanted from me and when I couldn't give what she herself didn't know what it was she resorted to name calling and hanging up.

Then to say to keep being a bitch, as in I already am, cause that's what I am I guess. That's what you call people who give all the time, who put others above themselves, who take your grand kids for a total of 2 1/2 years when they went in the system and you wouldn't take them.

I don't know what to do, yet again I'm in tears, yet again I see how I rate. I lost my temper, I did, I said things I didn't mean. I am willing to own that, even to them, I never got a chance. Do I let it go? She isn't ever going to be the mother I wish I had, I accepted that. Am I ready to be done? Maybe I have no choice, I am so very tired of trying to be more than human. I am a sinner, I get pissed, I make mistakes. Thank you God for your grace as I screw up day after day.

I'm so tired of being a throw away person to those I thought cared about me. Yes I have Hubba, and my kiddos and I am so blessed by them, but I still feel so lonely in this big world. I need Gods peace and patience to keep my mouth shut and arms open as His will is done.

I think I need to step away from the situation before I make it worse, my verbal diarrhea is on overdrive lately. Emotionally I am in such a horrible spot and I absolutely hate it!

Warning: this was typed/posted from my phone while in bed with a raging headache and 2 year old jumping on me occasionally, I am not taking the time to proofread, forgive me...

Boo! It's almost Halloween! I LOVE Halloween!! Kaitlyn and Abby are going to be witches and Carys is going to be their little black cat!!

Wow, haven't been updating this at all, not that it matters as I have no followers.....someday when I actually have time for this i'll add links in some places, for now it's all for my own ramblings.

Life is still crazy, however on a positive note my neice and nephew will be going back to their moms after living with me for a year....it'll be great to get my house back to normal.

Carys is 10 months old and crawlin like crazy now! Kaitlyn and Abby adore her and are so good with her, though Abby can be a bit rough. I love love love being a girl mom!

I'm getting jealous of all these cool blogs!

I've been persuing the decorating blogs lately, i'm so wanting to make my house somewhere I want to live! My carpet is wrecked my furniture is dog chewed and I just feel like "we can't have nuttin' nice around here!"

So this is the year....ok and maybe some of next! I'm getting new carpet and furniture.....as soon as I am debt free and have an emergency fund!!

Hello Dave Ramsey....yep were still gazelleing it...though the cheettah caught us for the last few months.

Now that birthdays and Christmas are over it's time to re-focus, I am making a house improvement sinking fund though...I have to for my own sanitity.

As for the cool blogs...i'm leaving that to those awesome non-losers right now....someday....i'll be a non-loser too!

One of these days..

Ok so one of these days I might actually write in this blog and not just take up my bit of cyber space!

One of these days I will be a stay at home mom and maybe then I can find a second to do some writing....maybe during nap time.

One of these days i'll find time for "me" things.

In the mean time....here are some more pics of the most adorable girls in the world.....

adorable and getting so big